In My Feelings

Why is it easier to remember the bad before the good? Why are traumatic experiences sealed and pleasant memories difficult to recall?

IMPACT.

When I wake up in the mornings the first thing I notice - if not the white wall above me - are the hard and stiff formations of my fingers. They are my claws, they are my hooks, they are my hands.

STATUTES.

I have plenty of good memories, but it seems as though I can recall with vivid detail the sequence of unfortunate events.

SCARS.

Marine Corporal Kyle Carpenter pushed a comrade out of the way and shielded him from an enemy grenade. He leaped onto the grenade covering the full blast with his body. He survived. He's a hero, a man's man, a ladies catch, but I wonder what his internal world looks likes. Maybe he's at peace and sleeps like a baby at night, but maybe not. Could it be that Kyle remembers with full detail that day? We honor and publicly glorify him with the Medal of Honor, but that will not undue the past. I met Kyle at a Veteran's Conference back in 2015 in San Antonio. It's ironic, I go to Texas to meet a hero, three years later I go back to meet my demons. Our stories are vastly different, but in many ways the same. I wonder how he manages his pain and memories...

FORGIVENESS

In photography, writing, song, and film we can establish memory. Another mechanism for remembering is repetition. How does an actor memorize her lines? Repetition. How does a Rabbi recite oral traditions? Repetition. How does a nurse successfully treat patient after patient? Repetition. Want to recite a Bible verse flawlessly? Write it down on paper 50 times, and then rehearse out loud another 50, and tell me later your friends weren't impressed. It will be hard at first, but the most difficult is starting. Right now I'm in my feelings, and I did not want to, but I had to write. I have to get it out. The main reason I started this blog was because I wanted to share my story. I wanted to explain, even though I know no explanation is required. Some of you feel a certain type of way of what I did to myself, while others are simply happy that I'm alive. I'm thankful that I'm alive, so I can share with you my feelings as well as the facts when it comes to veterans, especially men dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. You may not believe in mental illness, but it doesn't negate the fact that it exists and is real for other people. We need to change the way we address such things. Clearly, not talking about it isn't working since 20 plus veterans a day are taking their lives...

I'm sorry I digress. I have a cousin who will not talk to me. He's mad about what I did to myself. I ask for forgiveness in hopes you will accept my apology. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

How do I feel?

BETTER. 

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Currently reading: If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hope For
Currently listening: The Chronicles of Narnia (Soundtrack)
Pain-level: 2 

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P.S. If you want to follow Corporal Kyle Carpenter his Twitter handle is @chiksdigscars