In My Feelings

Why is it easier to remember the bad before the good? Why are traumatic experiences sealed and pleasant memories difficult to recall?

IMPACT.

When I wake up in the mornings the first thing I notice - if not the white wall above me - are the hard and stiff formations of my fingers. They are my claws, they are my hooks, they are my hands.

STATUTES.

I have plenty of good memories, but it seems as though I can recall with vivid detail the sequence of unfortunate events.

SCARS.

Marine Corporal Kyle Carpenter pushed a comrade out of the way and shielded him from an enemy grenade. He leaped onto the grenade covering the full blast with his body. He survived. He's a hero, a man's man, a ladies catch, but I wonder what his internal world looks likes. Maybe he's at peace and sleeps like a baby at night, but maybe not. Could it be that Kyle remembers with full detail that day? We honor and publicly glorify him with the Medal of Honor, but that will not undue the past. I met Kyle at a Veteran's Conference back in 2015 in San Antonio. It's ironic, I go to Texas to meet a hero, three years later I go back to meet my demons. Our stories are vastly different, but in many ways the same. I wonder how he manages his pain and memories...

FORGIVENESS

In photography, writing, song, and film we can establish memory. Another mechanism for remembering is repetition. How does an actor memorize her lines? Repetition. How does a Rabbi recite oral traditions? Repetition. How does a nurse successfully treat patient after patient? Repetition. Want to recite a Bible verse flawlessly? Write it down on paper 50 times, and then rehearse out loud another 50, and tell me later your friends weren't impressed. It will be hard at first, but the most difficult is starting. Right now I'm in my feelings, and I did not want to, but I had to write. I have to get it out. The main reason I started this blog was because I wanted to share my story. I wanted to explain, even though I know no explanation is required. Some of you feel a certain type of way of what I did to myself, while others are simply happy that I'm alive. I'm thankful that I'm alive, so I can share with you my feelings as well as the facts when it comes to veterans, especially men dealing with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. You may not believe in mental illness, but it doesn't negate the fact that it exists and is real for other people. We need to change the way we address such things. Clearly, not talking about it isn't working since 20 plus veterans a day are taking their lives...

I'm sorry I digress. I have a cousin who will not talk to me. He's mad about what I did to myself. I ask for forgiveness in hopes you will accept my apology. "Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

How do I feel?

BETTER. 

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Currently reading: If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hope For
Currently listening: The Chronicles of Narnia (Soundtrack)
Pain-level: 2 

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P.S. If you want to follow Corporal Kyle Carpenter his Twitter handle is @chiksdigscars

To Write Love

   On Wednesday I began what might be a life long task of organizing thoughts and aspirations. Rubbish. Mental clutter. A fool speaks many words, but the wise man examines his breath. The point here is speed. I believe that in order to do things right you have to be willing to do them slow.

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

   To avoid shooting myself in the foot, I decided to get organized. From there the days seemed busy, but productive. First I would sit in one position and ponder the abyss of the dome and then after examining the internal world I moved on to the external reality.

What do I need to get in order? What needs structure? 

   I saw that my desk was messy. Letters upon letters, sticky notes, flashcards, and more paperwork, mostly medical bills. Ugh! As my body began to pace around the room I began to ask myself, "What is your blog about? "How will you captivate your audience? How will you engage your readers?"

I need to clean.

   Then there was a clean desk. I then moved on to organizing my mail, medical bills and other miscellaneous paperwork. Done! It all has a pile, box, drawer and now I get on to a list. Lists, lists, lists! Finally organization is setting in. I developed a habit and now my external world matches the plans of the heart. Writing is not something I like to do, writing is something I must do. I must. While watching a movie with my brother Samuel, it suddenly hit me - TRUST THE PROCESS.

   Everything I worried about was nonsense. This is about me. This blog is about muah! It is simple, yet sophisticated; silly, yet serious; personal, yet polished. What defines me as a writer is my experiences not my audience. 

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us."

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Currently reading: The Grapes of Wrath

Currently listening: The Best of Debussy

Pain-level: 3

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If you appreciate classical music I found a blog with nothing but concertos, symphonies and even a list of composers. Check it out!

http://melhoresmusicasclassicas.com/

Another Time

   Christmas 2018 was special. It was special because I was home with my family. Not only was it special because I was home, but because another member of the family was home, my future brother-in-law.  I have never seen my sister so happy. Telling jokes, laughing hysterically, and sobbing with tears in her eyes. She was filled with the Spirit. It could have been a different situation had I not survived the fire.

"I'm happy we're all here," she said. "I'm happy we're all here."

   For a moment I felt like George Bailey from the film It's a Wonderful Life. I captured the life that was, and not what could have been. Truly, it was blissful. 

   Everything we did that night was in line with tradition...Tradition! We prayed, sang songs, played a few rounds of Jenga and Uno, took family photos, ate food, and finally opened gifts at midnight. I did not ask for much...

That's a lie.

Okay, I'll admit that I did ask for tickets to the Lakers vs. 76er's game on January 29th, but hey if they want to know, let them know. Right? Am I wrong? Anybody?

   All jokes aside I received more than enough. Even before opening gifts I was thankful. I was grateful to have spent another holiday, another season, another Christmas with those who care about me most, my family. 

Dear Pastor Melvin Banks, Captain Cunningham, Mr. Seth Anderson, Tyler Reiser...If you're reading this "I love you."

P.S. I am recommending everyone to download the film Another Time. Warning to the faint-hearted there is some adult language (forking fork!), but it's tolerable and the message is inspiring. 

P.S.S. Dear Alan, bravo! Bravo! 

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Currently reading: The Grapes of Wrath 

Currently listening: Tchaikovsky - Waltz of the Flowers

Pain-level: 4

Another Time starring Alan Pietruszewski: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3451984/

Antediluvian

                                                          
Writing long hand brings me satisfaction. Talking on the phone brings me contentment. As long as the person responds to my monologues and rants of unrequited love, I will continue to dial 1-800-273-8255. Incoming mail is sweet like honey, but outgoing correspondence is a dreaded habit. As long as the government continues to charge a tax for postal services, I will merrily receive my fan mail.

Considering the present condition of my hands, writing in cursive is now more artistic than ever. It’s ironic how someone can be perceived as ugly, and yet still create something BEAUTIFUL.
A friend of mine suggested that I should pursue writing…He’s write, but what am I chasing after?
Where’s Waldo?

No Facebook. No Instagram. Give me a pen and notepad, and I’ll get to the BLOGGER later.
#Oldschool
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Currently reading: The Grapes of Wrath
Currently listening: Top Cello Covers of Popular Songs 2018
Pain level: 2

   

Hi

Hi.

Thanks for taking the time to check-in.

It has been a long time since I have expressed myself in such a manner; to write for an audience. There is so much chaos in my head. Philosophies, explosions, sex, violence, euphoria, Christ, regret, and death and yet, it seems I cannot get it all out, and therefore I must write. If you speak to me long enough you may notice my speech to be disorganized, or my rhetoric to be long-winded. It could possibly be the disorder, but not everyone believes in such things. The good report is I have not lost my belief in prayer. Everyone should pray. It is a good thing indeed.

Talk about it, but keep it short.

In the year of 2018, I attempted suicide...Now I am recovering.

This here, blog, is part of my recovery.

I'm still processing
the fire,
the dreams,
and the reality of it all.

However, I can at least say "thank you," to all the Marines, Bruins, wives, kids, my sister and her friends, Samuel and all his friends, Mrs. Terry, and all the nurses and doctors who have in some way touched my life and left an imprint.

I am alive.
I am here.
I am still here.

I am a survivor. That is the miracle.

I hope you come back because this is just the beginning of what is

INSIDE MY MIND.

Until next time.

Cheers!

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Currently reading: The Grapes of Wrath
Currently listening to: Spiderman - Into the Spiderverse (Soundtrack)
Pain-level: 3