Friday, August 23rd
I'm back in Austin, Texas -
A place originally intended for new beginnings is now a reminder of death.
This trip will perhaps be one of the final pivotal moments in my recovery. Although I am still due for multiple surgeries and appointments with various therapists, coming here gives me an opportunity to see back into my life and the thought processes that eventually led me into a downward spiral of madness.
My mother and I arrived last night in San Antonio just short of midnight.
The weather was hot and humid and the wind in the air was thick and encroaching.
During our flight I claimed the passenger seat next to the window. It always fascinated me to see down into the passing neighboring cities. The little lights like small bits of diamonds scattered across a massive geographical region forming all types of shapes - rectangles, squares, hexagons and triangles all lay beneath me.
We check-in at our lodge and peacefully settle into the night. My mother snores, but thankfully tonight the fluffy pillows and cushions silenced her croaking.
...
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Saturday, August 24th
Awake
11:00a.m.
It's time to prepare our way back to the music capitol of the country.
Greyhound it is!
Another two hours on the road giving me more time spacing out the window catching familiar sites.
Daydreaming. Reminiscing. Praying.
Waiting...
At last, here at last! Checked-in, settled in and hopeful for inner healing.
My mom and I decided after a long day and a half of traveling that we would stay-in and have dinner at the in-house restaurant. In one of the conference rooms was a gathering: Hispanic Women Empowerment night. Loud music, high heels clanking and ladies shouting. 50's was the theme!
Yep, this is Austin alright!
Other than the fine Hispanic ladies belting out in drunken laughter, the night in Austin was relatively quiet.
"Strange," I thought.
This is not what I remember of a Saturday night downtown.
...
We sat down and I immediately noticed in the restaurant was another party present. A party of six. One of the restaurant patrons looked peculiar. I think it was a...trans-female.
I get confused with all the gender identifications and swapping, but I'm almost certain this female was a dude.
Yep, this is definitively Austin!
Mom and I ordered some Texas fried pickles to start.
I wore my red - Make Austin Weird Again (MAWA) - hat all day. Usually, a lot of people stare at me, but surprisingly not so much today. Maybe in Texas there's more appreciation for patriotism or maybe people don't really care all that much like the media would like us to think. Who knows?
Tomorrow I'm going to visit a church I used to go to before my incident.
The pastor there has asked me to share my testimony.
Sunday, August 25th
9:00a.m.
Pastor Melvin picks us up and we head over to the
Grace Place on East Annie.
This morning was nothing short of special.
I got to see old church friends and three Marines who I served with drove up to see me.
Bolton, Cervantes and Silva - thank you guys.
The sermon was about redemption and Pastor Melvin saw it fit that I close the sermon with my testimony.
I was honored that he asked me to share, but nervous. Although I had
grown up in the church and had heard many people give their "testimonies" over the years, I never actually thought about my own. It occurred to me that I didn't have one and so I decided a couple of weeks prior that I would dig deep and ask myself the question, "
What is my testimony?"
To give a testimony means to give an account of something; to testify. To be a witness of an event. Usually, when a testimony is given it chronicles the life of someone before Christ, and after Christ. Most always, it tells the tale of a life before repentance and the renewed life following conversion. Through deep reflection and prayer, I had come to terms with my past and revealed to the listening ears that before I lit myself on fire, I was not a Christian.
It was by all accounts, a public apology to my friends, family and church. I covered it all! I admitted to my depravity, to my double-life and my fall into the abyss of Hell and madness: Drugs, alcohol, pornography, violence, sex, self-harm and eventually, attempted suicide. I WAS NOT A CHRISTIAN! I WAS A FRAUD!
Generally, I loved speaking before a crowd. I mean, come on, I used to be an actor for crying out loud. I love the attention, but this was different. I was wrong. I had been wrong and I so desperately needed help, but I did not have the courage to seek it out because I was blinded by anger. Pleasure and escapism was my way of masking the pain. Masturbating became a way to avoid feeling alone and hurt. Me! Me! Me! I burnt bridges and crushed the souls of my neighbors and their wives. I was sick!
It's hard to admit you were wrong. It's even harder to take responsibility for one's actions.
God allowed it.
My ego was destroyed and my flesh burned. The monster within came to surface. The sinner exposed in its most tragic form.
I was beautifully wrong!
It is because of God that I am alive today.
It was on this day, April 16th, 2018, that I became a born-again Xhristian.
That will be the story I tell until I die on His time.
_ _ _
Pain-level: 4
Currently reading:
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Currently listening: Clair de Lune (Extended) via Youtube
_ _ _
Mystery-link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfmyl8I_bxU
Mystery-link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXwGh3bdF5k
